"I joined a health club last year. Spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there."
"My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 and we don't know where he is."
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it."
"The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in your fruit salad."
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
"There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."
"Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and no one wants to do maintenance." -Kurt Vonnegut
"The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow."
"No one ever says 'It's only a game' when his team is winning."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." - Jack Handey
"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give."
-Winston Churchill, British statesman
"Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a better person." -Benjamin Franklin
I couldn't agree more.